Saturday, January 23, 2010
I'm in Love with Baby De(longhi)
Full Frontal Baby De(longhi)
What can I say? I’m in love! There’s nothing like a new Toaster Oven that works to make me weak in the knees. Now that I have your attention- a bit of back story.
This past year has been rough on ol’ NSSP and me. That’s what unemployment will do. Throughout the year, when we could fantasize about a more normal future, we would tempt each other with quality of life (QOL) purchases that would make us happy. Finish the kitchen, new rugs, hell, a new house in a different state! Golf clubs, a trip to see The Princess the list got bigger when we felt our reality slipping.
The first QOL promise that held our marriage together was to purchase a new Toaster Oven when the world righted itself. I don’t know how I failed the family with the last 2 /Toaster Ovens; I became greedy for upgrades, bells, and whistles. After our old Black & Decker died I discovered a toaster oven with a removable Teflon insert making it a dream to clean. No cheese burned foil, just slip out the insert and wipe clean. Too bad it gave bad toast. I was heartbroken. The next “upgraded” Toaster Oven sent The Princess into a morning rage. It was a stealth toaster. You see it would lay in wait. After you spun the dial to brown, it would refuse to do anything. Then when you put the dial on dark its coils would glow with glee and change the bread into charcoal. There was no avoiding burnt bread. I wondered if it could make the charcoal into diamonds, I'm sure he would fail at that as well.
I didn’t tell the Toaster Oven that his days were numbered. Sometimes I thought it would follow me to the grave. The God’s prevailed and I got the best text message ever. “U can buy a tstr oven.” It brought tears to my eyes and a flutter to my heart. Good toast! I had sweaty palms thinking about it! At first I wanted to dash to the nearest Bed Bath & Beyond. If I did, I knew I would make yet another debacle in the Toaster Oven purchasing department. I cooled my jets.
The next day I gloated when I looked at Toaster Oven. I gave it my last toast “Do your best! Your hours are numbered!” It ignored me and proceeded to turn out a mottled unsatisfying charred crust. I charged to Bed Bath & Beyond. I was so focused that I ignored the last dregs of the Christmas sales and the various shouting T.V.’s hawking infomercials. I stopped and stared, the Toaster Oven Aisle! So many! I calmed myself and started stroking. Then I became confused. These new gadgets did so much, and they were big. They rotisseried, convected, some even had nuke abilities. I didn’t need a sumo wrestler when an average joe would suffice. All I wanted was good toast, brown bagel, and an occasional hot pizza slice.
I spied a little man making displays.
“Can I help you?” he queried. I was impressed that he saw me. Up until now I had been ignored.
I decided to challenge and taunt. “Yes you can help me, I want a Toaster Oven, I want it to give good toast my last two failed. Money is no object, its quality I’m after. I don’t need fancy pants gizmos. What would you suggest?”
He led me directly to Baby De(longhi).
Baby's Right Side
Baby's Left Side
“Are you sure? He’s so small and reasonably priced…I don’t need anything more expensive?” I looked at the lurking Cuisi’s, KitchiAid’s ,and bulked up Blacky Decks.
“His bigger brother Mr. De(longhi) has a stellar rep in Small Appliance Land. Amazon is gaga about the De(longhi) family. We are the only ones carrying Baby De(longhi). Trust me lady, the Baby gives good toast.” I pretended to play hard to get and when he went back to his displays I counted to 10 and grabbed Baby De(longhi).
Once home, I ripped Toaster Oven’s electrical cord from its socket. “You’ve burnt your last bread Toaster Oven!”
NSSP emerged from his Bat Cave and eyed the scene. “Do you think we should keep Toaster Oven in the garage just in case? Or should we give him to Good Will?”
“Are you crazy??” I shouted, “You want to torture unsuspecting poor people with Toaster Oven? No, NO I never want him to darken bread again!” I raced out and hurled Toaster Oven in the trash.
The Moment of Truth had arrived. I lovingly removed Baby De(longhi) and put him on the counter. He snuggled in next to the bread basket. “Shall we take him for a spin?” NSSP looked with wonder. NSSP had become a proud new Toaster Father.
We plugged Baby in and set his clock. Removing his Instructional Bible written in 4 languages we read his liturgy with reverence. Like giddy new parents we put a piece of bread in and set the timer to T-3 and waited with bated breath. Once done Baby let out 3 loud “Come and get it” bleats. Opening the door together we let out a collective sigh of love at first Toast.
Baby's First Toast!
A few days later I came home to NSSP all aglow. “Hey, I just tried the Baby’s Broiler!”
“How did he do?”
“He’s a little champ that Baby De(longhi)! He aced broiling 101 with flying colors.”
That night as I turned out the kitchen light I whispered to Baby. “Sleep tight! Tomorrow we’ll make cheese bread on T-4.”
His clock blinked that another minute had passed.